Overcoming the darkness of my creative being

It’s midnight as I’m writing this.  I just have a need to write at this hour.  Maybe it’s the silence of the hour, the calm darkness that spreads across New Mexico.  But one thing’s for certain.  It’s dark out there.  It’s also a bit dark in here.  This soul, this body, this mind.  If I were looking at darkness from a spiritual perspective, perhaps then everyone has a little darkness in them.  Just as joy, happiness and love exists in our human selves, so can darkness, gloom, sadness.  Maybe it’s a ying-yang thing.  Are we meant to have darkness and happiness and everything in between.  Is it normal?  Darkness can mean a lot of things to lots of people.  For myself, I use to fear the darkness because I always thought my life was falling apart, or someone was out to get me.  Or I was painting crappy paintings in dark, muted colors.  Kind of like those Turner style old English paintings, full of monochromatic or meloncholy moodness.

But if I were to look at my darkness right now, what does it show me?  I feel a bit constricted, where I live, what my past paintings are like.  As an artist, your past paintings define you up to this point, what your art is about.  I’ve been very proud of my art for the most part of 20+years.  I’ve been in over 30 exhibitions, traveled to the east coast twice last fall to do several art shows.  I guess it meant something, because I didn’t wish it would happen.  I MADE IT HAPPEN.  I don’t give myself enough credit, I can get pretty hard on myself.

if you don’t paint for 8 hours a day, then you’re just pretending to be an artist.

That’s the voice constantly going on in my head.  Pretty pathetic, huh?

I’m letting a little bit of light to combat the darkness these days though.  I still am aware there may always be darkness, but it’s up to me how much I want it to control my life.

I’m handing my life to the universe.  My way hasn’t worked very well.  So there’s my first big step to a happier existence.

My past art belongs in the past.  I must create art for today.  Because I have to.