Yes, my name is Josh and here’s my confession. I’m depressed with not much FAITH. I’m too depressed to create art today, so I will create this post and get this out of my system. I don’t care if you find it depressing or even “uplifting” either. Sorry. Today, it’s all about therapeutic value, because this is one artist and human being who will not filter his feelings about this present moment. My blog, my rules without the ivory tower.
I’ll tell you one thing, when you get depressed as I am, certain things start to happen. As of now, I am depressed and can clearly state what’s in my mind and heart. And I will rarely have a post like this, I’m a painter and not a therapist. This one hurts. I don’t think most of the time that I can succeed as an artist. At least not now. That’s one of many of my insecurities in fact. That sad truth infiltrates my core being. I’m angry about it and want to fight this. Maybe you can relate. First, there’s this “starving artist” mentality that most people subscribe to and believe in. I hate that term, I mean HATE!!! You should too if you’re an artist. Despise it, trash it, spit it back at the non-believers. Screw em all. If you don’t like my art, I don’t like your hair! You don’t deserve to have that negativity hanging over your head, and neither should your career.
Second, I’m still depressed, so I’m going to keep on going. My procrastination, my weight, my attitude, my art, my relationships…they all need improving big time. I’m almost 40 and want to change so much about myself. I don’t want to accept myself, I keep hearing that. I don’t love just the way I am, at least not now. I believe if you feel miserable, accept those feelings, do what you can to change them, and move on. No wonder I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I feel like the air is being sucked out of my system like a balloon with scribbling on the side “Overwhelmed”. I have been depressed for many years, maybe since I was 8 years old when my parents divorced. But you keep your head up and move on the best you can. That’s what I’ve heard and that’s what I’m trying to do. Drugs and alcohol? Never liked them, never will.
I always faced life sober and attentive, and if that’s something I can hang a little dignity on, then so be it. I can’t give any advice except to share my experience of my personal feelings as an artist and human being. There may be books and believe me I read a TON of them, but there’s no one right book that’s personalized just for you. Besides, don’t you usually forget about 95% anyway? And what you remember after that may help you. But, if you look deep within, you will find some of those answers you have longed for. And through all the storm clouds and muck, and the swamps of overwhelming emotions one must go through to get through this life, there’s one word that seems to be the silver lining, and I will explore that with you today if you’re still with me. It’s called FAITH. Here’s my definition broken down letter-by-letter.
“F” is for Freedom. The freedom to live your life the way you want to. Without any barriers getting in the way. It’s the right of every human being to have freedom. Without it, you create a prison in your heart with no parole. Freedom to choose your mate, your career, your home, your location, your food, your clothes. Freedom = Free Will in my book. Never lose sight of that.
“A” is for Artistic. Creativity and artistic license go together like PB&J. Everyone who’s human was born with a little creativity, but not everyone is artistic. Creativity is what makes you draw, cook, paint, sing, tap-dance, act. Being artistic, well that’s another level. It’s on a more conscious level, you know when people see the manifestation of your creativity, then you’re labeled “Artistic”. Don’t buy into the BS about “He’s an artist, I’m not”. Everyone has that in them, I fully believe that. Just depends what your creative potential and desire to express it is.
“I” is for Intuition. Have we forgot to use our intuition? Maybe it’s the corporate world we live who think we’re robotic zombies who can’t think for themselves. It’s all “Don’t listen to him, listen to me, I have the answers”. Bullcrap again! How did the human race survive thousands or millions of years without self-help books, Oprah, commercials, country music and so on. We have to learn how to tap into our intuitive resources so we can remain stable and self-reliant. Outside messages will distort the image of who you really are. You can listen but do you have your own mantra or philosophy you subscribe and believe in? Which brings the next letter…
“T” is for Trust. Yes, it’s an interesting word, one that will bring us together or tear us apart. Do you trust him or me? I’m still learning to trust myself after all the manipulative people I have come across. But I feel once you master that trust in yourself, you will become that rock. It’s ok not to trust greedy corporations or people. The world won’t end without that trust. Stop and think for yourself. Just don’t stop trusting yourself that you may have the right answers to your life after all.
“H” is for Healing. I believe the final stage of the FAITH that our lives deserved. I’ve gone through so much crap, some people have gone more, some less. But we all have that common thread. To solve pain is to allow healing to take place. It’s like allowing a burn mark on your skin to heal. Admit you messed up, hurt yourself or others. Without admission there will be no healing. Meditation, yoga, whatever it takes to get the process started. Healing gives hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s a light at the end of our tunnel. Despite the gazillion negative messages we hear each day, maybe life is worth living after all. We just have to find out for ourselves, make up our own guidebook.
So there it is. I’m actually feeling a little more fuller (like after creating a painting) and wiser, more calm, less agitated than before writing this blog post. But just remember this is all one person’s opinion. I’m going to use more FAITH in my life to help cope, because what I was doing before wasn’t working well. FAITH may be the anchor that I’m looking for. I’m not looking for sympathy from others, just a way to live a more healthier life. You know the saying, “If you want to change the world, start with yourself.” Now it’s your turn to find your own anchor. Maybe you do already, and I admire you for that, I really do. Or maybe you don’t, but that’s your choice. Free will is awesome. Growing up is hard to do, but it’s possible.
Besides my art, I will create a cool blog post each week, discussing my life and art. I will do this on a more permanent basis. Thank you for reading and share with a friend if you learned something valuable from this today.